How many times did I do things that I knew were detrimental to me, knowing they were adding up but still AT THE SAME TIME maintaining a belief that they weren’t? The effects from today’s decisions are so tiny, so minimal. That can be comforting and aid in self-delusion (it’s just one meal, one missed workout, one drink, one day) or frustrating (I’ve been eating clean for fourteen days! Why am I not fast and skinny?!).
I’m not beating myself up. I’m not. I’m just daunted by this mountain I’ve decided to climb. This morning I went for a “run” with friends and contented myself with more hiking and walking while my friends actually ran. For now, my goals are all about getting stronger and leaner, NOT getting faster. That feels freeing, as long as I’m actually making progress on that “stronger and leaner” goal. Then I fear, what if that doesn’t work? What if I’m making these changes, which are not easy, for nothing? What if this is the wrong approach and I should be pushing my heart rate up, up, up? What if I’m eating too much, even if it’s good food?
It’s too early to say that it’s all for nothing. I just have to settle in and trust, and know that results take a while. Meanwhile, I was surrounded by what sounded like hundreds of singing meadowlarks. I watched the stars disappear and the sun rise. An owl called out softly. I heard a beaver slap its tail on the lake and saw its head pop up above the water moments later. We counted dozens of deer. And I was moving, with friends.